i know, its a gift.

Horse sits down at a bar. Bartender asks, "why the long face?"

What do you call a guy hanging from your wall?

Art

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the water?

Bob

how many pancakes does it take to build a doghouse?

none. alligators can't fly.

@ Skanko: Hahahahahahahhaahaha . . . I don't know why I'm laughing. I is dumb.

@dfg - that is the dumbest joke in t he world, yet i always laugh too. but it also makes me want pancakes.

It is. And oddly, it does.

A guy walks into a bar and says, "Ouch!"

http://www.instantrimshot.com/

My favorite joke:

The Lone Ranger stopped into a saloon for a drink with Tonto by his side. As he's ordering a sarsaparilla a big man busts through the doors.

"Hey! Who owns that white horse out there?"

The Lone Ranger looks up and says, "That's my horse, sir. Is there a problem?"

"Well yeah, it's gotta be over 100 degrees out there. That horse is gonna die from the heat!"

The Lone Ranger nods at the man in thanks and turns to Tonto. "Tonto, I want you to go untie Silver then run around him real fast to create a breeze to keep him cool."

Tonto nods and heads outside.

A few minutes later another big man busts through the doors.

"Hey! Who owns that white horse out there?"

The Lone Ranger looks up and says, "That's my horse, sir. Is there a problem?"

"Yeah, you left your injun running."

That makes me laugh every time hahaha

HAHA

hahahahah nice

Hahahaha

Three men walk into a bar: a Frenchman, an Italian and an Irishman. Each orders one beer. Three flys fly into the bar and one fly lands in each man's beer.

The Italian man plucks the fly out of his beer, says "tutto e bene" and drinks the beer.

The Frenchman shows his beer with the bug still inside it to the bartender and demands another beer.

The Irishman yanks the bug out of the beer, grabs it by it's wings, shakes it while yelling

"Cough it up, you wee theivin' bastard!"

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop

A guy, looking to get away for a while decides to go for an extended camping trip into the wilds of Alaska. After a couple of weeks of wandering the wilderness without ever seeing another person he settles for some time in a lonely valley. Then one day, as he's fishing in a wide river he notices a large burly man looking at him from the other side. He waves, but the burly man walks off. The camper thinks nothing of it.

A week goes by and he's fishing at the river again, and once more, he notices the large man on the other shore. Since it's the only other person he's seen now in over a month, he waves. The burly man walks off. Thinking this is a bit odd now, he continues fishing.

Another week goes by, and once again, he's fishing on the river. This time, the burly man is on his side and walking towards him. He continues fishing, though now happy that he'll get to speak to someone else.

The burly man eventually stops beside him. The man see that burly man must me close to 7 feet tall with a chest as wide as a grizzly with a thick mass of beard to match.

"hello" says the camper.
"hi" replies burly man

"So it's you who I've seen. i guess you live around here"
"yeah. old cabin. down river."

"you know, you're the fist person I've talked to in over a month"
"yeah . . . want to come to a party?"

The camper thought for a moment. Being alone was good, but now he felt ready to see people again. "sure" he responded.
"good"

And with that the burly man began walking away. Then he stopped and turned around. "Must warn you, theres gonna be lots of drinkin'"
"I could use some beer. I haven't had any in over a month"

The burly man nods and begins walking away again. Then stops and turns. "Theres gonna be some fightin'"
"Well, I've been out here for a while and I used to play sports when i was younger, so I think I'll be fine" said the camper.

The burly man nods and begins walking away again. Then stops and turns. "Theres gonna be some lovin'"
"Well now I'm definitely coming. I haven't had sex since well before I came out here. This sounds like it will be an awesome party."
"good" burly man nods. "see you tonight"

Feeling excited about the prospect of booze and sex and wanting to make a good impression he asks, "so is there anything I should bring, or wear?"

"don't care, just going to be the two of us"

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.

Bartender asks "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"

The Pirate responds "YAR! I don't know but it's driving me nuts!"

@ting

another pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.

Bartender asks "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"

"arg, ye see, i seem to have a steering wheel attached to my testicles. Is very sad really... and painful.... yarg."

A woman's husband dies, and she's feeling a little lonely. Having already found the love of her life, she decides to have a few dates, play the field a little bit. So she takes out an ad in the paper that reads:

"Looking for a man to date. Must not beat me. Must never run away from me. Must be an exceptional lover."

Over the next few weeks, she receives a few calls and knocks on her door about the ad, but none of the guys really fit the bill. Then, one day, she hears the doorbell ring.

Opening the door, she looks down, and sees a man with no arms or legs on the doormat. She says "Can I help you?"

He replies "I'm here about the ad you put in the paper."

She says "I'm sorry, but how do you think you can help with that?"

He answers "Well, I've got no arms, so I obviously can't beat you."

She thinks about it, and admits "That's true."

He continues "I've got no legs, so I obviously can't run away from you."

She sees his point, but asks "But are you an exceptional lover?"

He looks at her and says "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

A man walks into a bar. Sets down his briefcase and says to the bartender, "I don't have any money, but if I can show you something you've never seen before, will you buy me a drink?"

The bartender says "Man, I've been doing this for 25 years. If you show me something I ain't never seen before you can drink all night on the house."

So the man opens up his briefcase and sets a tiny piano on the bar. Out of the briefcase climbs a foot tall man and he goes up to the piano and plays a tune.

The bartender says "Well I'll be damned, I sure as hell ain't seen that before. What'll ya have?"

After a couple of drinks the bartender comes back up to the man and asks "Where'd you get that little guy anyway"

The man replied "I found this lamp and rubbed it and it gave me whatever I asked for."

The bartender says "Do you mind if I give it a try?"

The man hands the lamp to the bartender, who rubs it and thinks real hard and the entire barroom fills with ducks.

The bartender says "Wait a minute! I didn't ask for a million ducks! I asked for a million bucks!"

The man replied "Do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

@beck:

Haha, you're right. It is very sad... :(

A woman is cleaning her son's bedroom when she stumbles upon his porn collection. Looking through it all of them, she's appalled that they're all S&M and Bondage related.

When her husband gets home she shows his the collection and asks "What ever are we going to do with him?"

He replied "I'm not sure, but we sure as hell aren't gonna spank him"