Here is some inspiration to get you started:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sarYH0z948

Star rockets in flight, Mr. Wolf...*head tilt*...afternoon delight. YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

"looks like our vic has had an ear of corn shoved into every feasible orifice in his body"

"and horatio, according to his id, he's on the sexual predator watch list"

"looks like what we have here is a case of *put's on glasses* cob justice." YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAA!

"What sort of horrible person would throw a man into an alligator-filled swamp like that?"

"I think it's safe to say...that our pepetrator is no doubt shedding ...*hands on hips*...crocodile tears." YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

"Our perpetrator's days...*whips off sunglasses* are numbered."
"What makes you say that, H?"
"In his pocket, I found...*squints* this calendar." YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

"It wasn't the size of the boat that killed him...*thousand yard stare*...it was the motion of the ocean." YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

"He died when all the cans in his pantry fell on his head, H. Nasty way to go."
"Indeed. A case of...*squats down*...too many soups spoiling the chef." YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

~takes off sunglasses~
~to reveal more sunglasses~
YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

/stolen from some comic I saw

"according to this confession, he's been blending up his victims bodies and dumping the slurry into the fruit concentrate vats at his juice processing job."

"h, half of miami has been drinking his victims through a straw."

"it seems he was a *stares at nothing* smoothie operator."
YYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAA!

"All 3 vics died of e.coli poisoning, H, but we can't find the source of the contamination anywhere."
"So the question becomes...*puts on sunglasses*...where's the beef?" YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

"This guy has been building tiny versions of his crime scenes for YEARS."
"Indeed, Mr. Wolf. It would seem that for HIM...*squats down*...it's a small world after all." YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

"All this food is rotten, H! No wonder he starved to death."
"I think that we can safely say that... our vic... *squints* did not like green eggs and ham." YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

"H, by my calculations, her dog has been feeding on her corpse for approximately 24 hours."
"*hands on hips* It's true what they say, Alex...every dog...really does have his day." YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

"H, we finally found all this guy's organs! They were all in a jar in this closet."
"It appears that home...*takes off sunglasses*...really IS where the heart is." YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

"She probably could have gotten away if her pantlegs hadn't been so long. She tripped and fell here, and the perp was on her before she knew it."
"So, Mr. Wolf...in this case, a stitch...*squats*... would have saved much, much more than nine." YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

Bahahahaha. That "home is where the heart is" one is disturbingly plausible.

"He collapsed on stage while doing his stand-up act -- no one helped the poor guy for 10 minutes: they thought it was a joke."
"So...*thousand yard stare*...sometimes laughter ISN'T...*whips off sunglasses"...the best medicine."

Addendum: YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

"Looks like the Cartoonist Killer has claimed another victim."
"Yes, Alex, but this...*shades*...is where I draw the line." YOWWWWWWWWWWWW!

"This poor guy just wanted to check out a penthouse apartment...and ended up getting defenestrated."
"And that, Callie...*moving sideways out of frame*...is our window of opportunity." YOWWWWWWWWWW!

"This job never ceases to amaze me; I've never seen anyone killed by a carousel before."
"You know what they say, Eric. What comes around...*pointed glance at nothing in particular*...goes around." YOWWWWW!

-j: KING OF KINGS

"So the vic had an argument with her boyfriend, stormed out of the party, cut through the kitchen and somehow ended up head-first in the deep-fryer."
"Alex, this squeaky wheel...*hands on hips*...really got the grease."

seriously i wish i could pun like you guys in this manner, BUT MY MIND GOES BLANK

i'm better at hybrid movies

@twigby -- -j and I have discovered that it really doesn't matter WHAT words you use: enough glasses whipping and pointed staring will automagically transform any phrase into a Caruso-ism!

"B-i-n-g-o...*squints, whips off sunglasses*...Bingo was his name-o." YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

VOILA.

Goddammit, I forgot my scream on that last one. YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

"Looks like a hit-and-run, H. Nasty one, too...all that's left of him is this condom."
"So this, Frank, is where the rubber...*emotionlessness*...hit the road." YOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

"The vic's head was severed, H, but it's a really messy job -- it took a long time to hack through his neck, and the cut is all ragged. You only get that with a really dull tool."
"So what you're telling me, Alex...*thousand yard stare*...is that our suspect...*hands on hips*...has an axe to grind."

YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

I'm not clever enough to do these. But I'm favoriting it.

"The brakes were disabled on his car, H -- he didn't have a chance: there was no way he wasn't plowing right through the library wall."
"There you have it, Fraaank...*squats*...someone wanted this young man...to really...hit the books." YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

@Mrs. Cakes -- See my response to twigby! It works for anything! How do you think Caruso keeps it up week after week? ;>

I'm throwing my Blagojevich Douche-off entry into this thread. Because I commit the sin of self-promotion.

http://goteaminternet.com/show/49590

BAHAHAHAHAHA. That's awesome, mikkoman. :D YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

"Our perp didn't get away unscathed, though -- he got caught in the explosion himself after setting the Pringles factory on fire to cover his tracks."
"So what you're telling me, Mr. Wolf...is that our suspect may...*puts on sunglasses*...have a chip on his shoulder?" YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

"The vic was supposed to be having her cataract surgery tomorrow. Guess someone didn't want her going through with it."
"And I think it's safe to say...*squints*...that she never saw it coming." YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

"H, our vic died in his music store. He was up late reshelving albums, and someone pushed a rack on top of him and crushed him. Cause of death: severe trauma to the back of the head."
"Alex, I thiiiink...*looks left, hands on hips"...someone didn't want him setting the record straight." YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

"Even at age 85, Sister Agnes here put up a hell of a fight before the killer got to her."
"Like they say, Frank, old habits...*wait for it* die hard." YOWWWWW!

"Cause of death is blunt trauma. We found this X-Box with what look like traces of blood and hair."
*squats* "Looks like this guy....*removes sunglasses* could have used an extra life."

YEEEEEOOOWWW.

"He washed up on shore stuffed into this bag, H."
"Our friend here, Mr. Wolf...*thousand yard stare*...has obviously...been sacked." YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

CSI: Tombstone

"The harness snapped and the horse bolted, at which point the stagecoach went out of control and crushed the vic, Sheriff."
"Well, seems to me... *spits chaw, puts hands on hips* like this fella put the cart before the horse."

CSI: Gotham City
"He was found with this throat slashed, Batman. Paper fibers in the wound match the bloody playing cards found nearby. It's gotta be the Joker!"

"And it looks... *puts on Bat-Sunglasses* like he's not playing with a full deck."

YEEAAAAAAOOOOOOW!

Bwahaha. "Bat-Sunglasses". YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

"This poor guy was clawed to death by 37 housecats."
*tilts head, walks away*
"Horatio, where are you going?"
".........to start from scratch." YOWWWWWWWWWWW!

"Of all the places in Miami to die, this guy had to end up in a refrigerator truck. And on his wedding day, no less!"
"Fraaank...I have a feeling THIS young man...wasn't planning on getting...*squats*...cold feet. *sunglasses*" YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

"It looks like a case of masturbation gone wrong. The guy tried to use a vacuum cleaner hose, the suction tore off his genitals and he bled to death."

*thousand yard stare. "That...*pause* sucks."

"Poor guy. First he goes deaf and has to learn Ameslan, then he gets attacked by a harp seal, which tears out all his internal organs."
"Signed, sealed...*lip curl*...de-livered." YOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

(That one hurt even me.)

"Horatio, his neck was slashed with a straight razor, but he's still alive -- barely."
"So...our lucky friend has had...*hands on hips*...a close shave." YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

@-j: ZOMG. SEALED. Shameful. YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

"H, are you OK?? That suspect almost strangled you to death!"
"Callie...let's just say he's becoming...*straightens up, sunglasses*...a real pain in the neck." YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

Heroes-CSI:Miami crossover

"So, apparently, this Sylar guy is cutting open people's heads! No one's seen him, but he's left a trail of bodies from here to New York."
"*slow glance up* And that is why, Frank...catching this suspect is...*starts walking off frame*...a no-brainer." YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

"We found pieces of the vic all over this antique clock shop; blood and bits on the floor; large chunks embedded in the clocks themselves."

"Apparently the Chinese curse still holds true: our vic lived (whips off sunglasses) in interesting times."

YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

A continuation:

"Boss, we found eight more bodies in the basement–all of them tailors!"

"Apparently, a stitch in time (puts glasses pack on) couldn't save nine."

YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

"Our vic has a severe peanut allergy. He died of anaphylactic shock when the suspect mixed some into his dinner."
"So...*off with the sunglasses, squints*...in a nutshell...murder." YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

"Boss, the carefree libertarian candidate for governor was found flayed in a hotel penthouse!"

"So you're telling me (deep knee bends) that it's some skin off his back?"

YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

Bwahahah. Deep knee bends. He needs to do some yoga poses, too. *downward dog* YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

"It looks like our vic was crushed by these fifty-pound bags of cacao beans, H. Blunt force trauma to every part of her body."

"So you're telling me the chocolate didn't just go (walks out of frame) straight to her hips."

YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

@rethwyll: Damn, missed your "stitch in time" one earlier. Sorry.

@fuz: No worries. Different takes totally welcome! :>

"H, our vic was found hanging in a tree, 40 feet up. There's no way he could have gotten up there by himself."
"So...*shields eyes, squints*...we'll go...out on a limb and call it...*hands on hips, looks left*...murder." YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

"H, our suspect took a few bites out of the vic before he dumped the body. Looks like we've got a cannibal on our hands!"
"Well, Frank...*sunglasses*...there's no accounting...*moves out of frame*...for taste." YEEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!

that guy is such a talentless fuckhead that i can't even stand to watch him for long enough to be able to come up with anything clever. however, i heartily support making fun of his stupid ass.

He's... like the anti-Jerry Orbach.

You guys have made my day. I found this doing a google search. You don't know how much I needed the laugh. I have passed on the link to my friends. Funny stuff! Thank you!!

ZOMBIE THREAD REVIVAL BY RANDOM GOOGLE SEARCH? WUT?

And by someone using their entire name? Suspicious.

Yes, but what could they possibly be selling? Knockoff sunglasses?

@Bustie Replica Sunglasses. Don't sell them short.

@twigby - well its a zombie thread, its only fitting that it CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD.

H - the perp was last seen running from the murder victim's car into the Jello factory.
So, Eric...what you're saying is....*sunglasses*...the proof is in the pudding.

YEEAAAAOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!

The vic was stabbed twice in the chest, and then through her gold locket.
Well you know what they say...*squints...sunglasses*...the third time *walks off camera* really is the charm.
YEEAAAAAOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!

Holy shit it's zombie David Caruso.

Based on last night's show.....

Well Horatio, this girl was chopped up in Nevada and was dumped down here in the glades.
So, Frank....what you're saying is THIS time what happened in Vegas..*pause, sunglasses*...didn't stay in Vegas.

YEEEAAAAOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

It seems H, that the midget killed the vic while performing fellatio on him.

Well Frank, that's what I call....*sunglasses*..... a low blow

YYYYEEEAAAOOOWWW!!

what happened here Horatio, is the perp slammed the vics cranium forcefully into the ground 10 or 12 times after leaving the Iron Maiden concert

I guess it turns out that only one of em ....*sunglasses*.....was a true headbanger

YYYEEEAAAAAOOOWWWW!!!!!

what happened here Horatio, is the perp slammed the vics cranium forcefully into the ground 10 or 12 times after leaving the Iron Maiden concert

I guess it turns out that only one of em ....*sunglasses*.....was a true headbanger

YYYEEEAAAAAOOOWWWW!!!!!

There's been a fair amount of resurrecting dead threads today!

@Mace: Night of the Living Thread.

I WOULD STOP IF I COULD :(

It seems H, that the perp killed the victim with a candy crucifix

*sunglasses*...........sweet jesus

This is a doozy Horacio, but it seems the perp used a piece of neckwear to restrict the victims jugular against the bar and choke him to death.

Now that Frank......*sunglasses*..... Is the tie that binds.

YYYEEEAAAOOOOOWWW!

I think Twigby needs to make an appearance here.

@thefallingdream WHO THE FUCK ATE YOU

WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP REVIVING THIS THREAD?

ah. now this feels right.

and wait.... SOMEONE ATE THAT PERSON?

WE HAVE CANNIBALS? OH FUCK THE WORLD HAS GONE TO SHIT.

@thewayigetby: I am your daddy, that's who. I've been sent to trump all Caruso one liners with wit and eloquence.

I revived this thread to prove my greatness. That wherever I may go, I have it within my capacity to breathe life into death and reanimate it.

......Or maybe I'm a bored musician who just got offa work and my girlfriend finally gave me a night by myself. So I wrote "power ginger" one liners. Pleasure to meet you............byatch

lawl

Dude, twigby's DAD joined the site?

his english is better than expected...

@Mace: he heard Celisse say "YOUR MOM" to TWIGBy so often that he had to come and see what was going on.

H, it looks like the rockstar was set on fire after his concert.
It seem like he didn't "put's on sunglasses" stopped rock-and rolled

uh what

People must be googling this stuff. That's, what, the third person who's apparently created a new account and shown up in this thread.

AWESOME. Stick around, new folks!

yes but i mean, i dont even understand that sentence, maybe they dont speak english! HOLA!

@Skanko:

"Horatio, alguien apuñaló al contable diecisiete veces!"
"Claro, Señor Wolf. Está muerto..."
*gafas de sol*
"...a fin de cuentas."

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!

HAHAHHAHAAHHAAHAHAH MUY BIEN SENOR -j.!

"The victim was found with it's penis stuck into a bottle..."
"Whell I guess *shades* he couldn't stay out of it"
YEEAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOWWW!!!!

"Horace, Justin Bieber was killed before his concert!"
"Whell I guess * shades * they where Justin time.."
YEEAAAAAAAAOOOWWWW!

"Horace, Justin Bieber was killed before his concert!"
"Whell I guess * shades * they where Justin time.."
YEEAAAAAAAAOOOWWWW!

"The victim was found with it's penis stuck in a nuts jar"
"I believe *squat* he was fucking nuts"
YEAAAAAOOOOWWWWW

wow as recent at 67 days ago....