He officially moved to San Jose on Monday. New city, roommates, etc.
From what he's told me, he's not much of a city-lover. He prefers smaller neighborhoods. So, SJ is not his ideal living environment, but he's getting to know the area & giving me the play by play.
On Monday night, he asked if he could spend the night because he still didn't have a bed set up in his new place. He came over & we drank whiskey, listened to music, & he gave me his fish (no that's not an innuendo, he gave me an actual fish tank & 5 little fish that he couldn't take to his new place for whatever reason).
It was a good night. I felt myself growing attracted to him in a different way. Aside from obvious romantic feelings I haven't been willing to acknowledge outright, I'm noticing that he's opening up more... Getting more comfortable. Being more affectionate (or maybe I'm just learning his unique ways of showing affection).
I feel like I have to be careful though, not only because I'm still calling him Rebound Guy, but because he & I have had discussions about how ego-boosting & soothing isn't necessarily the healthiest thing for a relationship.
It's hard to describe the ego-boosting thing... but him being more affectionate has something to do with it I think.
He knows, and I have been honest about the fact, that I have the tendency to place my self-worth on how much approval I get from others, romantic interests in particular. He knows I lost myself in my last boyfriend. I get caught up in trying to please others, becoming dependent on them, & then resenting them for not being dependent on me. I am, by habit, an emotional mess. He knows it, and instead of being threatened by it, he simply recognizes it. And I recognize all of his issues, some as heavy as mine, some not. But the point is we don't try & "fix" each other.
@bizzy: people are incredibly, beautifully and frustratingly complex. It's a terrific sign that you are able to learn about, and be aware of, each other's intricacies without glossing over them OR delving too deeply into them ♥
Tuesday morning, after he'd spent the night, I took the day off work. I was feeling selfish, not wanting my time with him to end (especially since I don't know how often I'll be seeing him now that he's going to be living an extra hour away from me).
I dragged out the morning as much as I could... "Let's sleep in." "Let's go get breakfast." "Let's chill & watch a movie." (longest movie I could find... Braveheart!) and when all was said & done, I still didn't want him to leave.
But eventually he did, and even though I spent a good 10-15 minutes feeling a little pouty, I quickly realized that I was treating him like a toy. Using him for entertainment and distraction when I'm bored or avoiding responsibility/solitude.
I spent the rest of my day off reading, watching TV, being alone with my thoughts, & listening to music. It turned out to be a pretty good day, because I refused to feel less-than-whole without him around. I felt silly for getting greedy for his time/attention.
@-j.: Thank you. I just hope I can continue this awareness & stop myself from getting to the point where his problems become my problems because I've fallen back into the habit of doing whatever I can to sustain his happiness just to avoid being alone.
It's tricky, seeing my flaws & not knowing how to keep them from carrying on without my consent. It's a very powerless feeling.
And now I can see why the relationship with Nate & I fell apart. I was so consumed with trying to understand him & make him understand me when really I didn't even understand myself! And then I resented him for not wanting to be a part of it at all... I wouldn't have wanted to be with someone like me either! (Not taking all of the blame here, but just finally recognizing my actual role & responsibility.)
Anywho... Rebound Guy said yesterday that he was feeling a little dependent lately. I'm guessing because of all the change he's going through, and I'm something familiar?
"I feel like I may become dependent on you. I don't want to use you as a distraction. I don't want to use you at all... but just be with you for who you are."
(On a general note, thanks for posting these things, bizzy. Not only because we care about you and how you are, although obviously we do x10000000, but because I think it helps us learn about ourselves too.)
posted on Friday, Jan 20th by bizzy
Unless you count the mini-one from 4 days ago. :)
The title makes this sound like a confession! I'm even more intrigued than usual ;)
He officially moved to San Jose on Monday. New city, roommates, etc.
From what he's told me, he's not much of a city-lover. He prefers smaller neighborhoods. So, SJ is not his ideal living environment, but he's getting to know the area & giving me the play by play.
On Monday night, he asked if he could spend the night because he still didn't have a bed set up in his new place. He came over & we drank whiskey, listened to music, & he gave me his fish (no that's not an innuendo, he gave me an actual fish tank & 5 little fish that he couldn't take to his new place for whatever reason).
It was a good night. I felt myself growing attracted to him in a different way. Aside from obvious romantic feelings I haven't been willing to acknowledge outright, I'm noticing that he's opening up more... Getting more comfortable. Being more affectionate (or maybe I'm just learning his unique ways of showing affection).
I feel like I have to be careful though, not only because I'm still calling him Rebound Guy, but because he & I have had discussions about how ego-boosting & soothing isn't necessarily the healthiest thing for a relationship.
It's hard to describe the ego-boosting thing... but him being more affectionate has something to do with it I think.
He knows, and I have been honest about the fact, that I have the tendency to place my self-worth on how much approval I get from others, romantic interests in particular. He knows I lost myself in my last boyfriend. I get caught up in trying to please others, becoming dependent on them, & then resenting them for not being dependent on me. I am, by habit, an emotional mess. He knows it, and instead of being threatened by it, he simply recognizes it. And I recognize all of his issues, some as heavy as mine, some not. But the point is we don't try & "fix" each other.
@bizzy: people are incredibly, beautifully and frustratingly complex. It's a terrific sign that you are able to learn about, and be aware of, each other's intricacies without glossing over them OR delving too deeply into them ♥
Tuesday morning, after he'd spent the night, I took the day off work. I was feeling selfish, not wanting my time with him to end (especially since I don't know how often I'll be seeing him now that he's going to be living an extra hour away from me).
I dragged out the morning as much as I could...
"Let's sleep in."
"Let's go get breakfast."
"Let's chill & watch a movie." (longest movie I could find... Braveheart!)
and when all was said & done, I still didn't want him to leave.
But eventually he did, and even though I spent a good 10-15 minutes feeling a little pouty, I quickly realized that I was treating him like a toy. Using him for entertainment and distraction when I'm bored or avoiding responsibility/solitude.
I spent the rest of my day off reading, watching TV, being alone with my thoughts, & listening to music. It turned out to be a pretty good day, because I refused to feel less-than-whole without him around. I felt silly for getting greedy for his time/attention.
@-j.: Thank you. I just hope I can continue this awareness & stop myself from getting to the point where his problems become my problems because I've fallen back into the habit of doing whatever I can to sustain his happiness just to avoid being alone.
It's tricky, seeing my flaws & not knowing how to keep them from carrying on without my consent. It's a very powerless feeling.
And now I can see why the relationship with Nate & I fell apart. I was so consumed with trying to understand him & make him understand me when really I didn't even understand myself! And then I resented him for not wanting to be a part of it at all... I wouldn't have wanted to be with someone like me either! (Not taking all of the blame here, but just finally recognizing my actual role & responsibility.)
Anywho... Rebound Guy said yesterday that he was feeling a little dependent lately. I'm guessing because of all the change he's going through, and I'm something familiar?
"I feel like I may become dependent on you. I don't want to use you as a distraction. I don't want to use you at all... but just be with you for who you are."
(On a general note, thanks for posting these things, bizzy. Not only because we care about you and how you are, although obviously we do x10000000, but because I think it helps us learn about ourselves too.)
♥
He's coming over tonight & I'm going to attempt to cook again. Keep your fingers crossed that it turns out better than last time!
fingers crossed
Sweet!!
This is all sounding so great, Bizzy! Keep us posted. Woot!