Basically, I need to stop hearing about this Emily person. But if I am to stay friends with my ex, I'm pretty sure I can't just tell him to STFU about her. Do I have to accept this as part of being friends with him? Is there anything I can do? bah
Yes, you have to accept the fact that he is going to talk about her. But there are ways to avoid making it a subject you have to endure every time you talk. If you can get a word in, use it to ask question about him specifically. "How's work/school/Aunt Gladys?" and avoid open-ended questions like "So, what's new? What did you do this weekend? How are things?"
It took about a year to get to a comfortable place with my ex, and although I still know she's around, he understands now that she is not as important to me as she is to him. It's unspoken and assumed that if he does tell me about what he did that weekend, it was most likely with her, and I can live with that.
And if he insists on talking about her despite your efforts to steer the conversations elsewhere, just let him know that you're really happy for him (if you really are) but that hearing the details kinda bums you out a little. Hopefully he'll understand and not want to bring down your mood every time you talk.
Yeah, the details are the problem- he likes to tell me what they do when they're alone together; I can't even imagine why the hell he would think I would want to hear about that.
It's quite standard for ex's not to get into gory details about the new one if they want to remain friends. In fact, if you broke up because of something logistical like distance/college/new job, ect, and there is a chance you might get back together again down the line, then I'm a big fan of the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy as towards dating new people.
There are many reason why people remain friends after ending a romantic relationship. Just because you're not dating anymore doesn't mean you have to hate each other.
It really doesn't. I'm still on speaking terms with a couple exes, and my one "major" ex and I are best friends. Granted, I've had relationships where any hope for friendship deteriorated almost as quickly as the relationship did, but you don't HAVE to hate them.
Back to the issue at hand: Just make a "man, I don't want to hear that" comment. It's not impolite to do so, and if they continue to talk about their new significant other, it's a sign that you either need more time to reconcile what's going on, or that perhaps you'll just never be as good of friends as you hoped.
I think bizzy's advice is good. You will have to accept the new person if you want to stay friends, but that doesn't mean you can't hint about not wanting to hear every detail.
I've thought a lot about the exes as friends thing, and I think it can go either way - if it works, cool, if it doesn't, oh well. The part where they start seeing other people is the hardest part, though.
I think it really depends on how prone to jealousy one is, and how mature about relationships one is.
There is not really any need to be jealous about former partners. Jealousy causes more problems than it solves.
Hating someone you broke up with just because you aren't together anymore isn't a very mature response to breaking up. Everyone has different reasons for breaking up a relationship, and not all of them are due to negative feelings toward the other person.
Huh?
Hang up on them, and later say the battery died.
Basically, I need to stop hearing about this Emily person. But if I am to stay friends with my ex, I'm pretty sure I can't just tell him to STFU about her. Do I have to accept this as part of being friends with him? Is there anything I can do? bah
Yes, you have to accept the fact that he is going to talk about her. But there are ways to avoid making it a subject you have to endure every time you talk. If you can get a word in, use it to ask question about him specifically. "How's work/school/Aunt Gladys?" and avoid open-ended questions like "So, what's new? What did you do this weekend? How are things?"
It took about a year to get to a comfortable place with my ex, and although I still know she's around, he understands now that she is not as important to me as she is to him. It's unspoken and assumed that if he does tell me about what he did that weekend, it was most likely with her, and I can live with that.
And if he insists on talking about her despite your efforts to steer the conversations elsewhere, just let him know that you're really happy for him (if you really are) but that hearing the details kinda bums you out a little. Hopefully he'll understand and not want to bring down your mood every time you talk.
you say, i gotta go every time the subject comes up until he gets the hint.
Yeah, the details are the problem- he likes to tell me what they do when they're alone together; I can't even imagine why the hell he would think I would want to hear about that.
Oh, in that case... take om nom nom's suggestion.
It's quite standard for ex's not to get into gory details about the new one if they want to remain friends. In fact, if you broke up because of something logistical like distance/college/new job, ect, and there is a chance you might get back together again down the line, then I'm a big fan of the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy as towards dating new people.
I just say "We're getting close to/are in the TMI zone."
I just don't get jealous. That's my advice to you. Jealousy is a heartbreaker.
why are you still friends with an ex?
There are many reason why people remain friends after ending a romantic relationship. Just because you're not dating anymore doesn't mean you have to hate each other.
counterpoint: yeah it does
It really doesn't. I'm still on speaking terms with a couple exes, and my one "major" ex and I are best friends. Granted, I've had relationships where any hope for friendship deteriorated almost as quickly as the relationship did, but you don't HAVE to hate them.
Back to the issue at hand: Just make a "man, I don't want to hear that" comment. It's not impolite to do so, and if they continue to talk about their new significant other, it's a sign that you either need more time to reconcile what's going on, or that perhaps you'll just never be as good of friends as you hoped.
i say wallow in the bitterness of contempt for your ex, you hated their friends anyways!
I don't stay friends with exes. Huh I don't really stay friends with friends either so......
Maybe the paperboy is right -- I'm just a mean old lady!
I think bizzy's advice is good. You will have to accept the new person if you want to stay friends, but that doesn't mean you can't hint about not wanting to hear every detail.
I've thought a lot about the exes as friends thing, and I think it can go either way - if it works, cool, if it doesn't, oh well. The part where they start seeing other people is the hardest part, though.
in most cases, staying friends with an ex just leads to complications, with future relationships, with your relationship,
it's usually not a good idea
rarely, it works, but this is usually after you spend a year or two NOT TALKING
I mean, look at this one. . .she doesnt' wanna hear about his new girlfreinds. . . hello??
if that's REALLY a problem, you're not ready to be friends with this person.
God forbid they have to MEET the new girl. Oh lord. . .
actually, meeting her would be fine. it's inevitable anyways, since he and I are good friends and spend a lot of time together.
hearing about her is a problem because I don't WANT to know what base they got to and where his hickeys are located...ugh
ohhhhh, THAT kind of TMI
yeah, I'd be point blank and tell him "TMI"
I think it really depends on how prone to jealousy one is, and how mature about relationships one is.
There is not really any need to be jealous about former partners. Jealousy causes more problems than it solves.
Hating someone you broke up with just because you aren't together anymore isn't a very mature response to breaking up. Everyone has different reasons for breaking up a relationship, and not all of them are due to negative feelings toward the other person.
Last time this happened to me, I said, "I know this is a shock, but I have no desire to hear about her." And he said, "Oh."
And things went on! And then you get used to her coming up from time to time and things get better and you meet someone new and life is good again.
. .I mean sure, they'll come up.. . .but do you really need him talking about "oh, we fucked last night and this happened and this happened. . ." etc.